Loop Trolley Resumes Training for 2024 Season, St. Louisans Brace for Impact

In a shocking turn of events, the infamous Loop Trolley has once again come to life, much to the dismay of St. Louis residents who value the safety of their vehicles and bodies. As the trolley begins its operator training for the upcoming season, the city braces for the inevitable chaos and destruction that will surely follow.

Training for Disaster: Surviving the Loop Trolley’s Reign of Terror

While it may seem like a good idea to train the unfortunate souls who will be operating this whimsical yet dangerous machine, it’s important to note that “training” does not equal “trained.” And with the trolley hurtling towards unsuspecting victims at a whopping 18 miles per hour, it’s safe to say that this training period will be one of the most perilous times for those in the Loop.

Loop Trolley Safety Tips: How to Avoid Annihilation

The Loop Trolley website has provided some helpful safety tips for surviving the impending carnage, but we at the RFT have a few more suggestions to add to the list. Here’s how to increase your chances of making it out alive:

1. Keep Your Wits About You

Despite the trolley’s fixed path, always be on the lookout for its unpredictable movements. It’s never derailed before, but that just means it’s due for a catastrophic accident.

2. Gear Up

Protect yourself with a full-face motorcycle helmet and some football pads. And if you can get your hands on a medieval suit of armor, even better. Maybe Joe Edwards has a spare in his collection of kitschy crap.

3. Park at Your Own Risk

If you choose to park along the trolley’s route, be aware that you are putting your car’s life in danger. Cushion the impact by covering your vehicle with mattresses and pillows.

4. Avoid Other Parked Cars

Just like you wouldn’t hang out with a group of gazelles in lion country, stay away from other parked cars in the trolley’s path.

5. Run for Your Life

The only advantage we have against this slow-moving predator is its snail-like pace. If you find yourself in its path, don’t hesitate to run for safety.

The Trolley’s Return: A Time of Imminent Danger

The Loop Trolley is set to resume its regular operation on April 25, but until then, the threat level for those in the Loop remains at an all-time high. Don’t be fooled into thinking you’re safe – the trolley is always lurking, ready to strike at any moment. Stay alert and stay alive. 

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